Allow Us to Introduce Ourselves..

This is Me.

My name is Cheyanne, and I am a lot of things. I am 20 years old (at the time of this writing). I am female. I am an artistic bookworm. I am a painter. I am a folklorist. I am a daughter, a sister, and an aunt. I am a proud pet owner. I am someone's partner, I am someone's friend. I am a daydreamer, a poet, a writer and musician. I am childish, but mature. I am a (huge) geek.

I enjoy nature. I enjoy curling up with a good cup of hot chocolate. I love to learn. I want to learn about cultures and people. I want to communicate and connect. I want to inspire and be inspired.

I love to dance. I love to sing- though it is loudly and off key. I love coffee and hate tea. I dress like a hippie and eat like a pig.

I am curvy. I am nerdy. I am an outgoing introvert. I am hotheaded and prideful, but also sensitive and nuturing. I am funny, intelligent, and creative.

This is who I feel I am, and how I wish others could see me. Unfortunately, I am part of a package deal....

This is My Anxiety

This is my anxiety. My anxiety is my moderate Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. My Anxiety is my mild-to-moderate Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It is my severe General Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder. It is my Attention Deficient Hyperactivity Disorder. It is my Compulsive Skin Picking Disorder. It is my Depression and my Body Dysmorphic Disorder. It is my Hypochondria.

My anxiety is the feeling that I am not good enough. It is the nagging voice that constantly criticizes every single thing I do every step of the way. It is me never doing just the right thing and never succeeding. It is the impossible expectations I put on myself, just so I can live up to how I feel everyone else is, but it is the constant whisper that it doesn't matter because everyone will always be better than me anyway.

My anxiety is like "Big Brother". It is the feeling of not being allowed to do anything. Not being allowed to jump into a pool wearing a dress, or to go to the Beach at night, because someone somewhere will be angry at me for it. It imposes it's strict rules on me and makes me worry about putting a single toe out of line.

My anxiety is the feeling that everyone hates me. My anxiety is the feeling of hating myself.

My anxiety makes me feel like the world is out to get me. My anxiety turns every knock on the door into a burglar, every passerby-er on the street into a rapist.
My anxiety makes me jump at loud noises and afraid to sleep in the dark.

My anxiety tells me how much fun my friends are having without me, how much my parents must hate me, and how one day the man I love with all my heart will leave me- and he'll be better off for it because no one deserves to be with damaged goods like me anyway.

My anxiety is darkness, despair, loneliness. It is anger, pain, and panic.

But it is not me.

And that is the important part to remember.
It is not me.

I have the above listed disorders. They do not have me. This is something I have to constantly remind myself on the road to getting better. Things like my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder will never go away, but I refuse to sit back and say I cannot control my behavior. I want to have a say in my life, and I say that I do not want to worry my life away.

I am not foolish, but I am optimistic. I am working hard to work around my Disorders and not let them run my life.

It is an almost constant battle. Everyday is like a fear roulette that I cannot seem to win. I wake up and don't look right so I have to pick apart my appearance and then someone knocks on the door oh God is it a rapist? Then the worry gives me a stress headache but my anxiety translates that to mean I have a brain tumor and I am going to die.
It is never ending and never easy, but I refuse to give up.

My anxiety has already caused me health problems, including a Mitro Valve Prolapse and a Heart Murmur. If I don't stop worrying and learn to better control my anxiety, I can get Fibro along with a whole host of other nasty health issues I would really like to not experience.

I am not crazy. I am not violent. I am not unstable. I am not suicidal and I do not hurt myself (or others!).

I am in control.

I made this blog to sort of keep a record of my recovery from my anxiety, but also to give myself space to write things out and reason with myself. I find that I can calm myself down when I can better visualize my thinking process, and putting it into writing really helps that. I keep using my boyfriend's email inbox to do so, however, so it's nice to finally have my own space.

I can't promise I'll always be this sane. Every day is a battle, and I don't always win. Sometimes courage is not facing your fears head on, but instead it is the small voice that says "It's okay that you didn't do so good today, but you can try again tomorrow."

And that's what I can promise. To try. I will try my hardest to remain calm and positive. I will try to set a good example for those suffering with anxiety disorders who feel like everything is the end of the world. (It's not!) I will try to shed some light on what goes on in the mind of someone who does have mental disorders, to help people understand.

I have anxiety disorders, but they don't have me.