These Conflicting Thoughts

I really enjoy painting. I've begun painting with my fingers and find the whole process to be highly therapeutic. Of course, during the act of painting and as the painting is finished, my anxiety sits back and tells me how they are not good enough and how everyone will hate them.

I'm painting, though, and so I'm relaxed and "in the zone",so it's easier to ignore the anxiety voice. There is a very large part of me way, way deep down that honestly believes I have some talent, and when I hang onto that bit of confidence I get more willpower to fight off the anxiety bit.

Yesterday I painted the above picture of the jellyfish. It gave me a lot more anxiety then I am used to from paintings.

My General Anxiety Disorder manifests itself as fear of medical things. I mean things like coma, heart attack, stroke, etc. My current worst fear is having a seizure. I have never had a seizure, and- if I'm lucky- I probably never will have a seizure. I have no seizure risk factors. In addition to all that, I've met with people who have varying degrees of epilepsy and all of them, even the girl with severe Grand Mal seizures, has told me it is not nearly as terrible as I make it out to be.

But it scares me so very much.

And because I have so much anxiety, I try to counter my fear by looking up as much information as I can about the subject so I can be well-informed.
This is rarely ever a good idea, because I have severe Hypochondria. Given enough time on webMD, I'd probably start thinking I have testicle cancer when I don't even have the proper bits for that.

So that brings me to my painting. I've learned, though my seizure-research, that some people who suffer from photo-sensitive epilepsy can have a seizure from certain colors or patterns being placed together. Lately, my paintings have been full of loud clashing colors.

I had a headache because I have not been sleeping properly, but my anxiety didn't recognize it as a sleep deprivation headache.

My anxiety said: "That headache? That's an oncoming seizure from all these loud, bright colors."

I had, through the entirety of the painting, to fight off my heart racing and my need to hyperventilate. I kept un-focusing and re-focusing my eyes which only made me dizzy which only fueled my anxiety more.

I had to take a lot of breaks. But I finished it, and I'm really proud that I did.

Cheyanne: 1 ::::: Anxiety: 0

Now, I have to do something that is causing me more anxiety. A lot more anxiety.

At the moment, I am getting ready to go to a craft fair/fundraiser to sell my paintings and other crafts I've made. This far, I've had no issue selling the things I've made.

Today, that has changed.

For all my talk about how much my paintings suck and how they'll never be good enough, I've begun to recognize that they really aren't so bad at all and they've grown on me.

As such, I don't want to sell them.

"Then don't sell them."

Ah, easy for you to say. There are two factors pushing me to sell them despite me really not wanting to.

A) I need the money. I am not working and my family's funds are incredibly limited at the moment. This would give me money to buy extra things that I would like to have without worrying about making a dent in my family's bank. Plus, with both usb ports on my computer broken, I really need to get that fixed so I can do digital art again.

B) My boyfriend wants me to. I'm sure this comes off as controlling, but it isn't. He recognizes my need for money, and encourages me in a constantly-positive way to overcome my anxiety. He knows I can always paint more jellyfish, while my anxiety is telling me that the above painting will be the only good jellyfish I ever paint- ever- and so I should keep it. Plus, he is overly positive about my art and tries to get it out there any chance he gets.

I feel like I'm going to have to enter survivor mode.

Survivor Mode is when I shut down emotionally and sort of plough through tough situations because I know I should. I wish I could get through these things without becoming a robot, but if I let myself feel then the only things I will fear is anger, anxiety, and distress because I'm so scared and uncomfortable. So instead of feeling that, I opt for feeling nothing at all.

I am going to try to remember the positives here. I am starting to love my paintings, so it would be awesome if other people loved them too. I'd really like to sell my work in a gallery one day, and this is a great start to that. No one would buy my stuff if they knew I was sort of going through this internal struggle, but I want people to like my art enough to want to buy it.

I am absolutely excellent at pep talking myself, by the way.

See, at the start of this post I was anxious about dealing with people and selling my work. In one small "Yay, Me! This isn't so bad! Think of the positives!" paragraph I'm already ready to get out there and get the job done!

This is why I'm eternally grateful to have this small little space to write things out. I need to work through things visually. It really does help to go through the entire process.

I know not wanting to sell my art comes from a feeling of not ever being able to paint something good again. That is my anxiety. My anxiety is not me.

Me really wants to go sell my art, and meet art-minded people. It's just the struggle of who I pay attention to, myself or my anxiety.

I pick myself. I always have more fun that way.

I am going to go out, meet some awesome people, and hopefully sell my art!

Cheyanne: 2 ::::: Anxiety: 0

It was a close call for a minute there, anxiety. But I win, again. =)